Have you ever noticed that someone you knew and respected as a sane person on most days, becomes like a crazy person when they’re going through a divorce?
Why does going through a divorce make people so crazy?
Being rejected by someone who was once most likely the love of your life is probably one of the most painful things we can experience in life.
A reason for this can be found in attachment theory
What the heck is attachment theory you might ask, and how is this related to divorce?
Attachment theory is the theory of how humans become connected to one another, how they develop healthy relationships to one another, and how they respond when hurt or separated within those relationships.
When a baby is born, they attach to their primary caregivers. Not only is this necessary for staying safe, but it’s also necessary for healthy emotional and social development.
In fact, this attachment is so important that without some level of attachment, babies will either die or later in life become sociopaths if no attachment is ever formed (or if the attachment is very unhealthy).
When we become adults, we continue to need attachments but not to the same degree. For the majority of us, our significant other becomes one of our main attachment figures.
So when we get divorced, there is a deep loss if this was a significant attachment figure.
And most often it was.
This is the person you did life with on an emotional and physical intimate level.
Even in cases where there might have been some distance in the marriage relationship, there is still some level of attachment.
Usually the more years a couple is together, the more bonds there were weaved together.
For this reason, it makes perfect sense right?
Seeing various levels of lunacy or crazy, as we transition from being married to being divorced, seems pretty normal as our world has just been rocked…big time.
So take this in for a moment
This is the person that you once said “I do” to.
Most likely you were both planning to “I do” until “death do us part” amirite?
Then one day, you are staring at paperwork that is going to undo both the “I do’s” you once meant with all your heart.
Honestly, it makes me feel a little crazy right now just talking about this.
How about you?
So now that we understand and agree (reluctantly maybe) that divorce can create some crazy in all of us, let’s think on this.
*whispers* “how do you think your kids are doing?”
I know, I know. We pull it together around our kids. Or we try to.
Here’s another thought to ponder
Anger is a secondary emotion. Always.
Anger follows fear or pain in most situations.
Being rejected, losing your attachment figure, undoing the “I do” creates a lot of hurt.
Being hurt is being vulnerable. So what do us humans do to protect ourselves?
We get ANGRY. Sometimes really friggin angry.
So yep, you guessed it. Now you’re crazy AND angry.
You know in the movies that never ends well.
(But at this point I have to say, it’s normal so don’t beat yourself up).
What is also normal is finding someone to blame for that anger.
AND you know who that is going to be. Yep, you’re smart, it’s your miserable EX.
Some of it might be very legitimate anger, your partner cheated on you, or maybe hit you, or treated you poorly, there are so many reasons.
I get it. Trust me.
Some relationships are really difficult. And there was a reason that you got divorced.
You know who is going to suffer the most from this anger and crazy
Yep, you do, cuz you’re smart.
It’s your kids.
So while you’re in this crazy, angry place, take care of these little people that had nothing to do with any of this.
Take good care of you, take good care of your kiddos.
And when you’re feeling angry at that ex-partner, remind yourself of what matters most right now. Your children…who need both their (um crazy, angry) parents.
Don’t let your crazy and your hurt rob them of the other parent’s support by doing this:
B A D M O U T H the other parent. It hurts your kids. Just don’t do it. Period. No excuses.
Hang in there parents. I know it’s hard. I know it’s painful.
There is life past divorce, and IT.WILL.GET.BETTER.